This class has been so great! It has truly been an
eye-opener and such a great blessing. There are so many different ideas about
the family and what works or what does not work. As you go about trying to
improve your marriage and family life, read, read, read. Read journals and
articles about marriage and family and then be the best marriage partner and
parent that you can be. They will thank you and society will thank you too!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Divorce
Divorce occurs
to couples scattered almost everyone all over the world. It kind of seems like
a pandemic. Most people get remarried after only two years of being divorced.
70% of couples that got divorced believed they made a mistake in getting
divorced. A few implications of this are that they hunger for that intimacy
again, they want emotional support from their spouse, or maybe they had a hope
that they would have a better marriage next time.
In the 1970’s
the divorce rate peaked (many thought this was due to the no fault divorce law
that was passed in 1969). Another peak occurred before the 70’s. It occurred in
about the year 1947. Is there a correlation here, or is it just random? It
seems, at least to me, that the couples who got divorced in the 70’s were the
children of parents that got divorced in 1947. Why would this be? One reason
may be because the children were more vulnerable when their parents got
divorced to get divorced themselves. In a National Affairs publication it
stated: “From 1960 to 1980, the divorce rate more than doubled — from 9.2
divorces per 1,000 married women to 22.6 divorces per 1,000 married women. This
meant that while less than 20% of couples who married in 1950 ended up
divorced, about 50% of couples who married in 1970 did. And approximately half
of the children born to married parents in the 1970s saw their parents part,
compared to only about 11% of those born in the 1950s.” Maybe this is because:
-They didn’t
have a good example to follow about what to do in marriage,
-Maybe they are
afraid of marriage
- They are not
good at communicating or well in their problem-solving skills
- They are
afraid of continuing bad patterns in their own family
- Or are more
focused on their careers
Divorce is very
sad and does not always benefit the family in the long run. Divorce causes
heartache. In the words of Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “Divorce is not an all-purpose
solution, and it often create long-term heartache.”
Divorce is a hard
and sensitive subject. Couples need to be careful when they decide to get
divorced. I personally feel there are very VERY few situations in which couples should get divorced. But couples need to realize the many affects it can have on themselves and their
families.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Parenting
Parenting is so HARD! It seems almost everyone has their own view on parenting and yet it seems we, as a world, do not agree on the best way to parents. I believe following God's way of parenting is most beneficial. So why do we parent the way we do? Well I have a few observations. Here they are: some parents parent as husband and wife, male and female, because
- it is God ordained
- it is the way He parents and is His example
- it is the example from Adam and Eve
- it is a (more) stable environment
- both the father and mother parent in different ways; the father focuses outside the home while the mother focuses in the home
President Faust has said, "Each parent is necessary at various times in a child’s development. Both fathers and mothers do many intrinsically different things for their children. Both are equipped to nurture children, but their approaches are different. Mothers seem to take a dominant role in preparing children to live within their families, present and future. Fathers seem best equipped to prepare children to function in the environment outside the family."
Continuing on with our list:
- the relationship between parents and children can't be found in any other relationship
- parents have similar tendencies and temperaments, so they can better teach and help children learn the way they learn
- society is affected by how we raise our children
In The Family: A Proclamation to the World it states: "HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. " As we follow these teachings, we can become better parents and teach them in the Lords way.
Please, please, please! Teach your children in God's way and example!
http://www.lds.org/ensign/2004/08/fathers-mothers-marriage?lang=eng
http://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Work and Family
When you think of work what comes to mind? What do you think of when someone says "I'm off to work!"? When you think about family what are the first few things that pop into your head? We need to combine the image of work and family as one, once again.
Oftentimes, people think of the family as one type of work and as going to work a more important type of work. In the history of the world, people first worked on their own lands. In Moses it says, "Adam began to till the earth, and to have dominion over all the beasts of the field, and to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow, as I the Lord had commanded him. And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him." This shows that Adam and Eve, husband and wife and family, worked together to till the earth in order to provide for themselves what they needed. Work and family went together.
Sometime during the Industrial age, things started to change. Fathers left the home and went to work somewhere else. They no longer worked side by side with their families in order to provide the necessities, but they worked outside the home away from their families for up to twelve hours a day. This accumulates to about 60 hours a week now away from their families.
This created the statement that family and work are two very different things. But these things should not be separated. When fathers went away from the home for work, it created a change in shape and dynamics in the family. The mothers had to then become the head of household and with their children pick up the extra duties that the father no longer did while he was at work. Then when children started being sent off to work, the family shape changed once again. The mothers had to do all the housework herself with no help or support from the fathers or children. Then women also started to work outside the home, too. In Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy, it states: "Industrialization meant that some of the things women did in the home, such s making clothes, would increasingly be done in the factory or shop. Women did continue, of course, to cook and clean and nurture their families. But in the emerging industrial economy, paid labor became a primary source of income and the essence of the meaning of work. What women did in the home was no longer defined as work." So this caused women's work that needed to be done in the home as less important or not important enough to be called real work, so it become known as housework. Many referred to real work where you actually get paid for doing something. Apparently, housework was not hard enough labor to be considered real work. This caused a separation in roles and boundaries of the family.
As more and more people move away from working from the home and working outside (even though it is necessary for most fathers now), it creates a disconnection from the family and work. families need to continue to work on family boundaries and roles to create a unified and strong, working together, family like we used to be in history.
Work is what you do in a family, as a family, together.
Oftentimes, people think of the family as one type of work and as going to work a more important type of work. In the history of the world, people first worked on their own lands. In Moses it says, "Adam began to till the earth, and to have dominion over all the beasts of the field, and to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow, as I the Lord had commanded him. And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him." This shows that Adam and Eve, husband and wife and family, worked together to till the earth in order to provide for themselves what they needed. Work and family went together.
Sometime during the Industrial age, things started to change. Fathers left the home and went to work somewhere else. They no longer worked side by side with their families in order to provide the necessities, but they worked outside the home away from their families for up to twelve hours a day. This accumulates to about 60 hours a week now away from their families.
This created the statement that family and work are two very different things. But these things should not be separated. When fathers went away from the home for work, it created a change in shape and dynamics in the family. The mothers had to then become the head of household and with their children pick up the extra duties that the father no longer did while he was at work. Then when children started being sent off to work, the family shape changed once again. The mothers had to do all the housework herself with no help or support from the fathers or children. Then women also started to work outside the home, too. In Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy, it states: "Industrialization meant that some of the things women did in the home, such s making clothes, would increasingly be done in the factory or shop. Women did continue, of course, to cook and clean and nurture their families. But in the emerging industrial economy, paid labor became a primary source of income and the essence of the meaning of work. What women did in the home was no longer defined as work." So this caused women's work that needed to be done in the home as less important or not important enough to be called real work, so it become known as housework. Many referred to real work where you actually get paid for doing something. Apparently, housework was not hard enough labor to be considered real work. This caused a separation in roles and boundaries of the family.
As more and more people move away from working from the home and working outside (even though it is necessary for most fathers now), it creates a disconnection from the family and work. families need to continue to work on family boundaries and roles to create a unified and strong, working together, family like we used to be in history.
Work is what you do in a family, as a family, together.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Communicate Clearly
Everyone has heard the saying, "Communication is key to a successful marriage", but I don't think just communication is necessary for a successful marriage. You need to be able to communicate clearly in order to have more success with your spouse in communicating.
One way to communicate more clearly would be to use a soft startup, as John Gottman would say. In his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Gottman states: "A soft startup doesn't necessarily have to be...diplomatic. It just has to be devoid of criticism or contempt." A soft startup is approaching a subject or discussion starting in a calm manner. This allows for the communication between spouses to be more open, less on the defensive, and more clear.
Some ways that we can communicate more clearly are:
- the feedback loop
- slow down when speaking
- think about what you are going to say before you say something you will later regret
- repeat/restate what the other person has said to make sure you understand clearly
- listen better --> active listening and validation
- ask questions to clarify
- be mindful of tone
- don't be afraid of silence
- don't beat around the bush
- Use "I feel" statements
- focus on one issue at a time and not several things at a time
- express love clearly and frequently to spouse
President Harold B. Lee once said the following, "You're to teach the old doctrines, not so plain that they can just understand, but you must teach the doctrines of the Church so plainly that no one can misunderstand." This is talking about teaching, but I think it applies to communication, as well. We need to communicate not just so our spouses can understand, but so clearly and plainly that they cannot misunderstand. Communicating clearly will definitely benefit your marriage and strengthen it.
One way to communicate more clearly would be to use a soft startup, as John Gottman would say. In his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Gottman states: "A soft startup doesn't necessarily have to be...diplomatic. It just has to be devoid of criticism or contempt." A soft startup is approaching a subject or discussion starting in a calm manner. This allows for the communication between spouses to be more open, less on the defensive, and more clear.
Some ways that we can communicate more clearly are:
- the feedback loop
- slow down when speaking
- think about what you are going to say before you say something you will later regret
- repeat/restate what the other person has said to make sure you understand clearly
- listen better --> active listening and validation
- ask questions to clarify
- be mindful of tone
- don't be afraid of silence
- don't beat around the bush
- Use "I feel" statements
- focus on one issue at a time and not several things at a time
- express love clearly and frequently to spouse
President Harold B. Lee once said the following, "You're to teach the old doctrines, not so plain that they can just understand, but you must teach the doctrines of the Church so plainly that no one can misunderstand." This is talking about teaching, but I think it applies to communication, as well. We need to communicate not just so our spouses can understand, but so clearly and plainly that they cannot misunderstand. Communicating clearly will definitely benefit your marriage and strengthen it.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
ABCX Model
In class this week we talked about the
ABCX model developed by Reuben Hill. I think that as this model can help us
recognize how events in our lives have effected us and as we learn of this
model, we can choose to have a more positive outlook on our trials and life
experiences.
In the ABCX
model the A stands for Actual event, the B stands for Both resources and responses,
the C stands for Cognition, and the X stands for the total eXperience. In the book Marriage and Family: The Quest for
Intimacy, it states, “There are numerous commonplace tensions and strains in
most of our lives. If some additional stressors in the form of unemployment,
serious illness, or severe personal or interpersonal problems occur, their
cumulative effect can lead to illness in the family or to some kind of crisis
of well-being.” Every family has crises or problems that arise. It is important
to recognize where the stress is coming from. Once you know where the stress is
coming from, you can appropriately deal with the situation. But every family
will have stresses and crises.
When you recognize the actual
event, you can use your resources to be able to better handle to crises. How
you think of the situation also effects the total experience of the crises. You
choose how you think and how you act and react to a situation. In Doctrine and
Covenants section 58 verse 28 it states: “For the power is in them, wherein
they are agents unto themselves.” We are all our own agents. We choose how we
act or react to a crises. As we apply the ABCX model and remember it in our
crises, we will be able to come out of them stronger.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Sexual differences in men and women
I think it is very important that young adults know the
differences in men and women and their states of arousal. I think the more
adults that understand this, will better understand themselves and their spouse
when they are married and engaged in sexual intimacy. The four phases are
excitement, plateau, orgasm, and then refractory (for men). Some differences in
these stages are that men get more excited quicker than women.
During an orgasm, men
build up fluid and then release it, which is not the same for women. In the Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy book,
it states: “The orgasm takes the least time of any of the stages. Usually it
involves muscular contractions and intense physical feelings that occur in the matter
of a few seconds and are followed by rapid relaxation. Again, there are
physiological changes that occur in both men and women. Women have anywhere
from 3 to 15 muscular contractions during orgasm. These contractions occur in
various muscles through their bodies. They also have changes in their brain
wave patters. Women my have multiple orgasms if they have continuing
stimulation and interest. For men, orgasm occurs in two distinct phases. In the
first phase, muscular contractions force semen through the penis. The man
experiences a sense of having gotten tot eh point where he can no longer
control himself; ejaculation is inevitable. In the second phase, additional
muscular contractions lead to ejaculation.” As we can see from this, men and
women react very differently during an orgasm.
Girls usually think about several things at once, while guys
focus on one thing at a time. Women usually need to feel comfort and loved
before they will have sex, while men will have sex in order to feel loved and
comfort. In a scientific journal I read about this. In part of it, it said, “ A
large body of scientific research documents four important gender differences in
sexuality. …Women place greater emphasis on committed relationships as a
context for sexuality.” Women need to feel secure and love before engaging in
intercourse and men need to engage in intercourse to feel security and love.
Men’s anatomy is all outside while women’s anatomy is
somewhat inside the body. So it is more obvious when guys are aroused than when
women are aroused. In sexuality, men usually peak around the age of 18 while
women usually peak around age 30. These differences are very important in
understanding yourself and your spouse relating to intercourse.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Marriage
Who are the most common people to get married? You've got it... people that are religious. Marriage is not convenient or easy, but it is definitely worth it. Most religious people view marriage as sacred (set apart for a purpose that is above and beyond us). Thinking of marriage as sacred motivates people toward marriage.
Many young adults are postponing marriage because they don't see it as important. Marriage is seen as progressing from youth to adulthood. It is the next vital step and goal, if possible.
There are also some benefits of being married. Just to name a few:
- emotional stability
- shared finances
- healthier
- overall increased happiness and satisfaction
- benefits mens health
- less likely to be involved in substance abuse
If these are the only benefits of marriage, I would say that is pretty good. But these are not. There are many other things that are better because of marriage. Marriage is divinely appointed and should be looked upon a sacred and divine.
Many young adults are postponing marriage because they don't see it as important. Marriage is seen as progressing from youth to adulthood. It is the next vital step and goal, if possible.
There are also some benefits of being married. Just to name a few:
- emotional stability
- shared finances
- healthier
- overall increased happiness and satisfaction
- benefits mens health
- less likely to be involved in substance abuse
If these are the only benefits of marriage, I would say that is pretty good. But these are not. There are many other things that are better because of marriage. Marriage is divinely appointed and should be looked upon a sacred and divine.
Critical Tasks of Early Marriage
With all the excitement of getting engaged, some couples forget to go over a few things the really matter and can effect their marriage tremendously.
Some of these things include:
- Learn to draw clear boundary around their new relationship and keep parents and family out. You need to make decisions together as husband and wife.
- Finances and planning (budgeting)
- Open communication
- Make important decisions together and not include your parents, next door neighbor, or best friend
- Ask Heavenly Father if a conclusion that you and your spouse have come to is in line with His will
- Division of responsibilities --> share and talk about together
- Work on the wedding TOGETHER
- Set priorities in order (like temple attendence, school, work, family, etc.)
As someone said the other day, "It is divine to let go of what you want and accommodate another's needs." This is vital in sustaining a healthy marriage.
Some of these things include:
- Learn to draw clear boundary around their new relationship and keep parents and family out. You need to make decisions together as husband and wife.
- Finances and planning (budgeting)
- Open communication
- Make important decisions together and not include your parents, next door neighbor, or best friend
- Ask Heavenly Father if a conclusion that you and your spouse have come to is in line with His will
- Division of responsibilities --> share and talk about together
- Work on the wedding TOGETHER
- Set priorities in order (like temple attendence, school, work, family, etc.)
As someone said the other day, "It is divine to let go of what you want and accommodate another's needs." This is vital in sustaining a healthy marriage.
Friday, May 31, 2013
The 5 Sliders of the Relationship Attachment Model
Have you heard of the 5 Sliders of the Relationship Attachment Model before? I hadn't until this past week in class. They are super cool! They are first knowing someone, then trusting someone, relying on someone, committing to someone, and finally touching someone. The main thing that I brought away from this was that you should know someone more than you trust them, trust them more than you rely on them, rely on someone more than you commit to them, and then commit to that person more than you touch them. This can be incredibly hard to do. When you become intimate with someone really quickly, you are increasing the touch slider but doesn't necessarily change the commitment, trust, reliance, or knowledge of that person. Be careful when you increase intimacy with someone. For example, when a couple cohabits and then decides to get married, they have a high level of touch (intimacy), but they do not have an increase or high level of commitment so they are not balanced well. That couple is likely to get divorced because they do not have that higher level of commitment that is needed with the high level of intimacy in the marriage.
Last thing, my teacher says often, "The best predictor of future behavior is past or current behavior." Genius food for thought!
Last thing, my teacher says often, "The best predictor of future behavior is past or current behavior." Genius food for thought!
Dating...
Whether you are married or not thinking about dating brings many memories thoughts and emotions. But what exactly is dating? I think sometimes people forget exactly what dating is or how it can be defined. I like the definition of dating as doing a variety of activities with a variety of people. It is hard to get to know someone when every time you go on a date you do the same thing or something closely related to it. A variety of activities can include: going hiking, playing a sport, painting a picture, playing an instrument, playing a board or card game with a group of people, participating in a service project, or something one or both of you want to learn to do even if you aren't very good at.
Another concern related to dating is that many people slide form dating to courtship, from courtship to engagement, and then to marriage without having any intentional though in stepping from one step to the next. These four step: Dating, Courtship, Engagement, and Marriage, need to be intentional in every way. If you do slide from one step to the next, you may find yourself in an unhappy and unsatisfying marriage and wonder how you got there.
All in all, dating can be tough, but remember dating can be fun! Do a bunch of different things with a bunch of different people. You will be glad you did! Remember to make the intentional steps from dating, to courtship, engagement, and marriage and not to slide through them! No one wants to find themselves in marriage unhappy and not sure why or how they got there.
Another concern related to dating is that many people slide form dating to courtship, from courtship to engagement, and then to marriage without having any intentional though in stepping from one step to the next. These four step: Dating, Courtship, Engagement, and Marriage, need to be intentional in every way. If you do slide from one step to the next, you may find yourself in an unhappy and unsatisfying marriage and wonder how you got there.
All in all, dating can be tough, but remember dating can be fun! Do a bunch of different things with a bunch of different people. You will be glad you did! Remember to make the intentional steps from dating, to courtship, engagement, and marriage and not to slide through them! No one wants to find themselves in marriage unhappy and not sure why or how they got there.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Gender roles and traits
It's dinner time and your family is really hungry. Who is the one in the kitchen? The cat gets lost in the grass in the backyard. Who is the one that goes outside to mow the lawn? These are two very basic examples, but for the most part a women or mom will be found in the kitchen and a man or dad would be found outside mowing the lawn. This is not true for all, but for the most part that is how genders assume roles.
In my Family Relations class, this quote was written on the board: "We badly need to raise our sons more like our daughters." By this quote, I could imply that we are currently raising our sons and our daughters differently, that daughters are more superior or have more desirable traits, and that men and women are treated differently (depending on their culture). Men and women have many different roles and traits. Some roles that are more feminine are that they are nurturers, service oriented, and emotionally intelligent. Some roles that are more masculine include protect, provide, defend, and preside. Both mean and women have a role as a support. They are a support to each other, their family, and for those with whom they associate. Women are able to multitask and be aware of several things at once, while men seem to only be able to focus on one thing at a time.
In The Family: A Proclamation To The World it states: "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mother are obligated to help one another as equal partners." This supports many of the traits that I mentioned above.
Even though there are differences between men and women, just because a male has a feminine trait or a female has a trait that seems more masculine, it doesn't really mean anything. It does not mean they are going to have an attraction for their same gender. Thank goodness we have men and women, so that we can balance each other out. Being in a relationship with the opposite gender helps us to develop and grow to be the best that we can be.
In my Family Relations class, this quote was written on the board: "We badly need to raise our sons more like our daughters." By this quote, I could imply that we are currently raising our sons and our daughters differently, that daughters are more superior or have more desirable traits, and that men and women are treated differently (depending on their culture). Men and women have many different roles and traits. Some roles that are more feminine are that they are nurturers, service oriented, and emotionally intelligent. Some roles that are more masculine include protect, provide, defend, and preside. Both mean and women have a role as a support. They are a support to each other, their family, and for those with whom they associate. Women are able to multitask and be aware of several things at once, while men seem to only be able to focus on one thing at a time.
In The Family: A Proclamation To The World it states: "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mother are obligated to help one another as equal partners." This supports many of the traits that I mentioned above.
Even though there are differences between men and women, just because a male has a feminine trait or a female has a trait that seems more masculine, it doesn't really mean anything. It does not mean they are going to have an attraction for their same gender. Thank goodness we have men and women, so that we can balance each other out. Being in a relationship with the opposite gender helps us to develop and grow to be the best that we can be.
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