The 5 Sliders of the Relationship Attachment Model

Have you heard of the 5 Sliders of the Relationship Attachment Model before? I hadn't until this past week in class. They are super cool! They are first knowing someone, then trusting someone, relying on someone, committing to someone, and finally touching someone. The main thing that I brought away from this was that you should know someone more than you trust them, trust them more than you rely on them, rely on someone more than you commit to them, and then commit to that person more than you touch them. This can be incredibly hard to do. When you become intimate with someone really quickly, you are increasing the touch slider but doesn't necessarily change the commitment, trust, reliance, or knowledge of that person. Be careful when you increase intimacy with someone. For example, when a couple cohabits and then decides to get married, they have a high level of touch (intimacy), but they do not have an increase or high level of commitment so they are not balanced well. That couple is likely to get divorced because they do not have that higher level of commitment that is needed with the high level of intimacy in the marriage.
Last thing, my teacher says often, "The best predictor of future behavior is past or current behavior." Genius food for thought!

Dating...

Whether you are married or not thinking about dating brings many memories thoughts and emotions. But what exactly is dating? I think sometimes people forget exactly what dating is or how it can be defined. I like the definition of dating as doing a variety of activities with a variety of people. It is hard to get to know someone when every time you go on a date you do the same thing or something closely related to it. A variety of activities can include: going hiking, playing a sport, painting a picture, playing an instrument, playing a board or card game with a group of people, participating in a service project, or  something one or both of you want to learn to do even if you aren't very good at.
Another concern related to dating is that many people slide form dating to courtship, from courtship to engagement, and then to marriage without having any intentional though in stepping from one step to the next. These four step: Dating, Courtship, Engagement, and Marriage, need to be intentional in every way. If you do slide from one step to the next, you may find yourself in an unhappy and unsatisfying marriage and wonder how you got there.
All in all, dating can be tough, but remember dating can be fun! Do a bunch of different things with a bunch of different people. You will be glad you did! Remember to make the intentional steps from dating, to courtship, engagement, and marriage and not to slide through them! No one wants to find themselves in marriage unhappy and not sure why or how they got there. 

Gender roles and traits

It's dinner time and your family is really hungry. Who is the one in the kitchen? The cat gets lost in the grass in the backyard. Who is the one that goes outside to mow the lawn? These are two very basic examples, but for the most part a women or mom will be found in the kitchen and a man or dad would be found outside mowing the lawn. This is not true for all, but for the most part that is how genders assume roles. 
In my Family Relations class, this quote was written on the board: "We badly need to raise our sons more like our daughters." By this quote, I could imply that we are currently raising our sons and our daughters differently, that daughters are more superior or have more desirable traits, and that men and women are treated differently (depending on their culture). Men and women have many different roles and traits. Some roles that are more feminine are that they are nurturers, service oriented, and emotionally intelligent. Some roles that are more masculine include protect, provide, defend, and preside. Both mean and women have a role as a support. They are a support to each other, their family, and for those with whom they associate. Women are able to multitask and be aware of several things at once, while men seem to only be able to focus on one thing at a time. 
In The Family: A Proclamation To The World it states: "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mother are obligated to help one another as equal partners." This supports many of the traits that I mentioned above. 
Even though there are differences between men and women, just because a male has a feminine trait or a female has a trait that seems more masculine, it doesn't really mean anything. It does not mean they are going to have an attraction for their same gender. Thank goodness we have men and women, so that we can balance each other out. Being in a  relationship with the opposite gender helps us to develop and grow to be the best that we can be. 

Gender Roles

This week for my Family Relations class we read a chapter from the book titled "Marriage and Family: The Quest For Intimacy". This book is so interesting! Near the end of the chapter, it talked about how there were several different ways that men and women communicate in relation to influencing one another. This list included: bullying, manipulation, disengagement, autocracy, supplication, and bargaining. In the book it said, "In a study of 235 intimate couples, researchers found that more feminine spouses are more likely to use supplication, while more masculine spouses tend to avoid both supplication and bargaining. Supplication is a relatively weak tactic. Thus, those with a feminine orientation are less likely to be influential and more likely to be influenced by a partner." As I read this I thought about the relationships that I have and the relationships of those around me. I continued to think about how we react in situations of conflict. It seems, at least to me, that the women tend to beg, cry, and sulk more often than men when trying to be influential, but it does not usual work out well on the women's part. It is fascinating to see how men and women act differently in communicating.

Also, many traits that people see as being more masculine or feminine are learned and not something people are born with. In the book I mentioned above, it said, "Those traits-warmth, caring, sensitivity, and nurturance-that are traditionally labeled as female are as appropriate for men as they are for women. These traits help people meet their needs for intimacy." If you see a man that acts a little bit more caring than most men, don't think he is 'girly', He is expressing himself and developing and meeting his needs. This also goes for women who seem to be a bit more masculine. There is nothing wrong with acting a little more rough, like playing tackle football. Don't judge others. What do you guys think? Is it okay for men to have some feminine traits? Is it all right for women to express some masculine traits?

Clarity on class and culture in one minute!

When I think of a social class or culture many different questions come to mind. How do you define a class? What is a culture? Now I finally have a little bit more clarity on the subject. 

A class can be defined by one's economic resources, one's appearance, one's perception, one's profession, and by one's mannerisms. 

Culture can be identified as shared values and beliefs. It can also be defined as acceptable behavior, perceptions, and inherited traditions. 

So here you have it. What would you define your class or culture as? 

Family Theories

In the family, there are four main theories that can be used to understand the family a little bit better. The first theory is call the Systems Theory. This views the family as a whole and that every single person in the family contributes some way to the family, combines, and forms the great, whole family. An example of this is to think of a cake. In order for the cake to turn out well, all the ingredients must be used. You cannot leave out the flour, or sugar, or baking soda. It will not come out as well if you do.

Another theory is called the Exchange Theory. The general idea of this theory is that you try to keep your costs lower than your rewards. So, for example, if you try to get to know and get along with someone that you need to talk to a lot for work purposes, but that person just ignores you or is very vague in answering, then you will probably end up ending the relationship because you feel like you are contributing more than you are receiving.

A third theory is called the Symbolic Interaction Theory. This theory based on the belief that we are molded into who we are because of our interactions and everything is symbolic. There is something that represents something else. Like, two children pretending to argue and their mother tells them to stop because she thinks they are really arguing and not pretending.

The last of the theories is the Conflict Theory. This theory involves power struggle, conflict, and inequality. In the book, Marriage and Family: The Quest For Intimacy, it gives this example: "Typically, men have brought more money than women have into the household, thereby establishing their power over women and having the final say in any decisions that matter to them."

These four theories abound in our families and in our societies. I am not saying any one of these theories is better than another, but that they are ever present in our lives, families, and communities. Which theory stands out to you? Do you recognize one theory that is more prevalent in your family, community, or society?

Trends

Have you ever thought about why you do the things you do? Why do you go to school? Why do you take the escalators instead of the stairs? Why do you curl or straighten your hair everyday? One reason may be that you may feel like it is something you have to do. Another reason, it may be something you like to do. Similarly, it may be something you are told to do to fit in. All these reasons and more fit into the trends that so many people fall into. A few significant trends that are occurring at an increasing rate are the decrease in birthrate, decrease in household size, delaying marriage, and cohabitation. Many couples believe it is a good idea to cohabitate in order to see if they are complimentary to each other and maybe see if marriage could be an option for some later time in the future. Because of the increase in cohabitating couples, the rate of delaying marriage has increased. Due to less couples getting married the birthrate has decreased as well. Consequently, as one would imagine, the decrease of birthrate causes a decrease in the general household size. Delaying marriage, cohabitating, and delaying having children/not having as many children are all trends that we see everyday around us. These trends are influencing more and more people around us each day. We need to evaluate ourselves and see what trends are influencing ourselves. Our fertility rate is declining. On average, everyone women is having two children. If there are not as many children being born, then people will have to do more work to meet the same standard that more workers had to do. In order to keep the population from declining any further, we need to spread the word of having children in order to get the birthrate back up.