Communicate Clearly

Everyone has heard the saying, "Communication is key to a successful marriage", but I don't think just communication is necessary for a successful marriage. You need to be able to communicate clearly in order to have more success with your spouse in communicating.

One way to communicate more clearly would be to use a soft startup, as John Gottman would say. In his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Gottman states: "A soft startup doesn't necessarily have to be...diplomatic. It just has to be devoid of criticism or contempt." A soft startup is approaching a subject or discussion starting in a calm manner. This allows for the communication between spouses to be more open, less on the defensive, and more clear.

Some ways that we can communicate more clearly are:
- the feedback loop
- slow down when speaking
- think about what you are going to say before you say something you will later regret
- repeat/restate what the other person has said to make sure you understand clearly
- listen better --> active listening and validation
- ask questions to clarify
- be mindful of tone
- don't be afraid of silence
- don't beat around the bush
- Use "I feel" statements
- focus on one issue at a time and not several things at a time
- express love clearly and frequently to spouse

President Harold B. Lee once said the following, "You're to teach the old doctrines, not so plain that they can just understand, but you must teach the doctrines of the Church so plainly that no one can misunderstand." This is talking about teaching, but I think it applies to communication, as well. We need to communicate not just so our spouses can understand, but so clearly and plainly that they cannot misunderstand. Communicating clearly will definitely benefit your marriage and strengthen it.

ABCX Model

In class this week we talked about the ABCX model developed by Reuben Hill. I think that as this model can help us recognize how events in our lives have effected us and as we learn of this model, we can choose to have a more positive outlook on our trials and life experiences.

            In the ABCX model the A stands for Actual event, the B stands for Both resources and responses, the C stands for Cognition, and the X stands for the total eXperience.  In the book Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy, it states, “There are numerous commonplace tensions and strains in most of our lives. If some additional stressors in the form of unemployment, serious illness, or severe personal or interpersonal problems occur, their cumulative effect can lead to illness in the family or to some kind of crisis of well-being.” Every family has crises or problems that arise. It is important to recognize where the stress is coming from. Once you know where the stress is coming from, you can appropriately deal with the situation. But every family will have stresses and crises.

When you recognize the actual event, you can use your resources to be able to better handle to crises. How you think of the situation also effects the total experience of the crises. You choose how you think and how you act and react to a situation. In Doctrine and Covenants section 58 verse 28 it states: “For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves.” We are all our own agents. We choose how we act or react to a crises. As we apply the ABCX model and remember it in our crises, we will be able to come out of them stronger. 

Sexual differences in men and women

I think it is very important that young adults know the differences in men and women and their states of arousal. I think the more adults that understand this, will better understand themselves and their spouse when they are married and engaged in sexual intimacy. The four phases are excitement, plateau, orgasm, and then refractory (for men). Some differences in these stages are that men get more excited quicker than women.

 During an orgasm, men build up fluid and then release it, which is not the same for women. In the Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy book, it states: “The orgasm takes the least time of any of the stages. Usually it involves muscular contractions and intense physical feelings that occur in the matter of a few seconds and are followed by rapid relaxation. Again, there are physiological changes that occur in both men and women. Women have anywhere from 3 to 15 muscular contractions during orgasm. These contractions occur in various muscles through their bodies. They also have changes in their brain wave patters. Women my have multiple orgasms if they have continuing stimulation and interest. For men, orgasm occurs in two distinct phases. In the first phase, muscular contractions force semen through the penis. The man experiences a sense of having gotten tot eh point where he can no longer control himself; ejaculation is inevitable. In the second phase, additional muscular contractions lead to ejaculation.” As we can see from this, men and women react very differently during an orgasm.

Girls usually think about several things at once, while guys focus on one thing at a time. Women usually need to feel comfort and loved before they will have sex, while men will have sex in order to feel loved and comfort. In a scientific journal I read about this. In part of it, it said, “ A large body of scientific research documents four important gender differences in sexuality. …Women place greater emphasis on committed relationships as a context for sexuality.” Women need to feel secure and love before engaging in intercourse and men need to engage in intercourse to feel security and love.

Men’s anatomy is all outside while women’s anatomy is somewhat inside the body. So it is more obvious when guys are aroused than when women are aroused. In sexuality, men usually peak around the age of 18 while women usually peak around age 30. These differences are very important in understanding yourself and your spouse relating to intercourse.

http://cdp.sagepub.com/content/12/2/37.short

Marriage

Who are the most common people to get married? You've got it... people that are religious. Marriage is not convenient or easy, but it is definitely worth it. Most religious people view marriage as sacred (set apart for a purpose that is above and beyond us). Thinking of marriage as sacred motivates people toward marriage.
Many young adults are postponing marriage because they don't see it as important. Marriage is seen as progressing from youth to adulthood. It is the next vital step and goal, if possible.
There are also some benefits of being married. Just to name a few:
- emotional stability
- shared finances
- healthier
- overall increased happiness and satisfaction
- benefits mens health
- less likely to be involved in substance abuse

If these are the only benefits of marriage, I would say that is pretty good. But these are not. There are many other things that are better because of marriage. Marriage is divinely appointed and should be looked upon a sacred and divine. 

Critical Tasks of Early Marriage

With all the excitement of getting engaged, some couples forget to go over a few things the really matter and can effect their marriage tremendously.
Some of these things include:
- Learn to draw clear boundary around their new relationship and keep parents and family out. You need to make decisions together as husband and wife.
- Finances and planning (budgeting)
- Open communication
- Make important decisions together and not include your parents, next door neighbor, or best friend
- Ask Heavenly Father if a conclusion that you and your spouse have come to is in line with His will
- Division of responsibilities --> share and talk about together
- Work on the wedding TOGETHER
- Set priorities in order (like temple attendence, school, work, family, etc.)

As someone said the other day, "It is divine to let go of what you want and accommodate another's needs." This is vital in sustaining a healthy marriage.